I know I haven’t written as much lately. There have been many emotions I have been trying to process. Over the past couple of months I have had 5 friends announce pregnancies. With each new announcement, more of my joy was stolen away. Don’t get me wrong. I am so happy for each of them and a couple of them I was even praying for them to be able to get pregnant. Selfish me takes over all too often, though, as I wonder why I am not part of this happy group. I feel like I am getting left behind, the one who will have nothing to talk about amongst the mothers sharing stories of their precious miracles.
The problem I have noticed about myself is I do too much FEELING. The range of emotions I feel every day are exhausting. Today I started to think about something. Something that I am unsure if I can convey correctly. It is still somewhat jumbled in my head. While I desire to feel peace and joy in my life, feeling despair, sadness, and self-pity is much easier. Negative thoughts flood my mind and I do little to fend them off. They are my shadow following me through each day. Eek….did I really just share that? Trust me, I don’t want to feel like this, longing to see no one and desiring to just curl up in my bed, forgetting the world. I yearn to feel normal again, but I have almost forgotten what I used to be like. Or is the point that I am supposed to be completely changed from who I even used to be??
The question is how….how do I get out of this? Why do I hang on to these negative feelings when they are destroying me? It is silly for me to be in such despair when I know an Almighty God who cares for me. The tapestry of my life God is intricately weaving together is far more beautiful than this moment and these emotions. It is almost as if these negative feelings have become a crutch. I don’t have to have a good attitude today because I am infertile. I don’t have to be there for my friends because I am the infertile one. I can’t be content because I don’t have this one thing. I can’t find joy because I want to be a mother and that prayer hasn’t been answered. Yes, those are all thoughts I have had. Years of negativity are hard to shake. When I look back on how I have handled these four years I am filled with remorse. Granted I haven’t been a complete failure, but I do not like a lot of my responses.
I will say, though, I am closer to the Lord than I ever have been. That may not be evident from what I just posted above, but I honestly am. Even though I don’t understand His greater plan, I know it is good. That alone brings me comfort. I have also grown closer to my husband. I am blessed beyond measure to call that man my husband. I would not want to go through this life with anyone else.
Joy. The emotion that has been eluding me for quite some time. How do I find true joy? I know all the Sunday School answers. I know how I should be reacting. I know how I should be handling the situation. It is just that… it is easier to be downtrodden. That is not working for me, though. What kind of way is that to live? If my goal is to one day stand before Christ, or be on my knees in sheer awe, and hear Him say, “Well done my good and faithful servant” then I have some changing to do. If I am allowing myself to be completely honest, I do not feel worthy of such a statement at this point. The spectacular thing is that God meets me where I am, in my broken state, when I can go no further, and helps me up. My quest to find joy rests in Him. I desire to fully surrender this pain, this negativity, this longing at His feet. This Type A control freak wants to loosen the reins and allow God to take over. I have tried to rule for so long that I am not even quite sure how to release my grasp for control. That is my desire, though.
I must apologize to you, because I know on this blog I have not always shown you the best way to handle life’s challenges. I have tried to be honest, though, because I would never want to be considered a fake. My emotions are very raw and very real. Please pray for me as I seek to truly give this all over to the Lord. It is difficult, but I know I have to do it. I am too exhausted and too heartbroken to do it anymore. I want to find peace and joy and rest and I know just where to find it. Isn’t every trial a journey of discovery? I have found that I cannot do this on my own. I learned I lean towards negativity rather than seeing my purpose in Christ. I am weak when I always want to be strong. BUT GOD!! He can intervene and do great things and I pray I can allow myself to let Him do a good work in me. I want to bring glory to Him and have to use His Word to overcome the negative thoughts floating through my head every day. In Him I can find victory!