Reflection in life is so important. I remember as I pursued my degree in education the instructors constantly had us writing reflections. What went well with the lesson you taught? What would you improve upon? I got to where I let out a small sigh every time I heard that horrible word as it meant another dreaded paper. How often, though, do we truly reflect on events or moments in our lives? Do we ever sit down and think about what went well in that situation or what could we have improved upon? Through this long infertility process, 46 months to be exact, how much time have I spent reflecting? How many times have I sought out the lessons God wants me to learn? My honest answer would be not enough. It is so much easier to get caught up in the emotion of it all and focus on the pain and my desires. Sometimes when I do stop to ponder my situation I get upset with myself for I feel I have not always handled it the best.
So….that brings me to this week. A deep spiritual conversation with Jeremy has led me to a week dedicated to reflection and working to learn the lessons God has been trying to teach me. We have both made the decision to forego TV, video games, and yes, even Facebook. That last one is a little harder for me than it is him. 🙂 I am using a lot of my new found free time to read my bible, pray, reflect and focus on my relationship with the Lord. The following list will be ongoing, but I am sharing with you some of the lessons I am learning.
1. Patience- I have never been the most patient person. My family and husband can attest to that. It is a character flaw I have had since childhood, yet not done much to try and improve it. In the bible, Abraham was actually told by God he would be a father of many nations. Though, God told him this, he still got too impatient and had a child with his wife’s handmaid. At 90, Sarah finally became pregnant! I have often thought I wouldn’t have been as impatient if God would just come to me in a dream and tell me I would have a child. Then I would at least know it was going to happen, but knowing my character I, too, would probably eventually become impatient again.
2. God’s timing is not necessarily my timing- I cracked a smile as I just typed that, because that seems to be the case with most things in my life. I tend to like things to happen, ummmm, immediately. Maybe that leads to my impatience! This has been a big one for me. As I look back over the last few years I am not sure I was always ready to become a parent. If I were to have a baby tomorrow, I believe I would be a much better parent now than I would have been a few years ago. If I am able to have a baby I know my love for that baby will be on a much deeper level. As I held a friend’s one year old the other day in a rocking chair he laid his head against me and I could not suppress the tears. The tears were not jealous in nature. I thought how if I ever do have a child, I feel like I would weep everyday while holding him/her just from the sheer astonishment and joy that I was given the privilege to be a mother.
3. Pray, pray, pray- I have gone through ups and downs in my prayer life due to this challenge. There have been times when I have prayed fervently begging God to give us a child. In other moments I found that I couldn’t even pray because I was honestly angry with God. How often during the day do I pray? Again, not enough. The bible says to “cast our cares upon Him.” He does not tire of hearing my pleas.
4. Share more with my husband- The pain of two miscarriages and the months with no positive test is sometimes almost unbearable. I eventually took the stance that I didn’t want to share my feelings with Jeremy. I became a closet crier. I did it because I did not want to stir up sad feelings in him over our situation. I hate seeing hurt in his eyes. If I did speak of my pain I generally turned to my closest female friends. That has slowly been changing over the last few months. To my surprise I have found that Jeremy, though he is sad also, has the most wonderful ability to be strong enough for the both of us. He doesn’t even have to always say something. A simple hug melts away tremendous pain. It is like he has a super power! My husband needs to know my pain and when I withheld that from him I was withholding a piece of me.
As I mentioned, this list will be ongoing. It is amazing what a little reflection can do! Pray for me as I seek to grow through this. Even if I come out on the other side childless, I hope I am more like Christ.