This past Wednesday I had my first bible study on dealing with trials and adversity in life. Though I still do not understand my situation or why it cannot be different right now, I feel I have started to see light among the darkness of despair. As I was surrounded by 18 other women, who came with their own baggage, their own doubts, their own tribulations, I was actually encouraged. Our commonality is pain and difficulties, and through our time together I found a new resolve to keep pressing on. The author of the book we are reading said, “Pain is pain, and all pain hurts.” Infertility is my trial. It is my pain, and even though I have not experienced some of the pain these women have I can relate to them. As I shared what God had placed on my heart, I felt overwhelmingly that I was doing exactly what He wanted me to do at that moment. For the first time in this journey, I feel like I am thinking less of myself and more on what I can do for others. I look forward to what we will continue to learn in this study. My story is difficult to share, but the reward in doing so is that I can help others. When I got home Wednesday, I was almost joyous over my circumstances. I couldn’t believe it. How could I find happiness among the pain? My joy is in the Lord. Purpose found.
I have not written in a while. Busyness has taken over lately and I find myself wanting to slow the pace of my life. This same busyness, though, keeps my mind off things, off the pain. In the quiet moments….that is when the sadness catches up. It overtakes my mind and discontentment rears its ugly head. So, in a way, I like keeping busy. The hustle and bustle does not fix my heart, though. It merely glosses over the void, puts a temporary patch on it. The long-term status of my heart is not fixed. As soon as the dull moment comes the bandaid is ripped away and the pain is raw. I too often rely on myself to heal. Though I cannot change my situation, I feel if I am busy or if I try not to think of it, I will be okay. The trueness of the situation is that I am not allowing the Lord to be my Healer. It is like if I am sick and do not approach the doctor about my symptoms. He cannot prescribe anything if I do not visit. I need to come to the Lord more for healing. Only He can fill the void of being childless. Only as He applies the ointment can I find the strength to face the world. I want true healing. I want the Lord to be enough.
Lord, please heal the void in my heart. Come fill it. Bring healing and understanding that Your plan is what is best for me. Give me strength to face this trial. Amen.