As you are well aware by now, if you have read any of my entries, I am an emotional creature. 🙂 I do not always handle life’s trials as I believe the Lord would want me to, but I share my thoughts with you so as to show you my whole journey. My mountains and valleys. My lush forests and deserts. A couple weeks ago I found myself in the valley I know so well named sadness. A phrase found its way into my head one evening that I almost shared with you, but did not want to show my weakness. I actually started to type it that day, but then deleted it. I have tried to be open with you, but sometimes I hate that I am so weak. Today I will share the phrase with you because there is a story that follows.
During that evening of sadness I kept repeating in my head: Storms upon storms flooding my soul, where is my rainbow? As the storms brewed outside, so did the ones in my heart. Doubt and fear filled my innermost being. I had been thinking about rainbows earlier that day as I shared with my sister-in-law how I had read if you have a baby after a miscarriage that baby is a “rainbow” baby. She had replied back then asking if my baby would be a “double rainbow” since I had two miscarriages. I laughed at first, but as the day progressed my demeanor changed. By the evening I had that phrase swirling through my mind. Where was my rainbow? As I sat on the couch trying to drown out my thoughts, I received another text from my sister-in-law that said, “I just saw a rainbow!” She told me to go outside. As I peered off my porch I beheld the beautiful colors of a rainbow. I asked Jeremy to come outside so he could also see the grandeur of it and explained to him where I had been emotionally that day. We sat on the porch and just stared at it in silence. To my amazement a second rainbow started to appear. A double rainbow! I quickly text my sister-in-law and told her and she said she did not see it. She said it must be special for me. Sure others probably saw it that night, but the moment was special for me. In my despair and weakness, God had made Himself visible to me. What are the chances that on the day we were talking about double rainbows and I had cried out for just one, that God provided two for me? The rainbows seemed to be right over our house. Tears are welling up as I type this because sometimes I am just in awe of God. Though the rainbows do not mean I will become pregnant, they reminded me that I am not alone in this journey. God is there and He is holding me when I am unable to take another step. I cried that night as I sat looking at my rainbows. My gift from God.
Since that night God has been softening my heart. I am working to allow Him to fill the void. Jeremy and I have since had conversations about our options, about treatments we can afford to try and ones we cannot, about adoption. I pray the Lord will grant us our “double rainbow”, whether it be biological or through adoption. And no matter what, may He be glorified!