Since sharing this blog with others I have experienced a wide range of emotions. Fear of opening myself up this much. Comfort in writing down the thoughts that daily fill my mind. Sadness in finding so many who can relate to what we are going through. I have also felt challenged. I have now shared my heart with you and given you an idea of this hardship we face. What next? I have been praying about how the Lord can use me. The sermon at church yesterday was very convicting and had the motors turning in my head. A verse shared was Matthew 25:15, “And to one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one, to each according to his own ability.” In this parable a man is going on a journey and leaves different amounts with each servant “according to his own ability.” When he returns, two servants had increased what they had been given. The master then says to them, “Well done, good and faithful servant; you were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.” So what is my task? What does the Lord want me to accomplish based on the abilities I possess? That is what I am seeking out currently. I know I want to help others who are suffering like me with infertility or loss or trials. I am praying about how to best do that. When I get to Heaven, I hope the Lord is pleased with what I have accomplished on this earth. I long to hear Him say, “Well done.”
Lord, my strength is fading,
my fraility threatens to lead.
Lord, be my Rock,
Let Your strength be my footing.
Let Your might be my reliance.
May others see You in me.
May they know any strength comes from You.
These trials make me dependent on You.
I cannot do this on my own.
Make Your presence known.
Remind me daily You are in control.
As I have begun sharing my heart, I have learned of others who have felt the same pain. I dearly wish no one had to go through such a trial. After my second miscarriage I thought I would surely never smile again, never laugh. The joy had been sucked out of me and died along side my hopes and dreams. When I finally was able to turn fully to the Lord again, I realized that I could find my joy in Him. Do I still cry? Do I still hurt with a deep pain? Of course. My trust in God does not take away the pain. It helps me deal with it and to hope in what the future may hold. So please do not think I have it all together. Tears come at unexpected times and anger and frustration and despair. I do not have to be perfect to trust in the perfect will of God. Though I do not understand it and I wish it were different at times, I trust because to not trust means to not have hope. With no hope……where would I be?
Patience has never been my best attribute. It is something I am trying to work on and know it is something God is trying to teach me in all this. I came across the following poem a few months ago. It not only applies to my desire to become a mother, but should relate to many of you at different points in your lives.
by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, “Wait.”
“Wait? You say wait?” my indignant reply.
“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!”
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I’m claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I relate,
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to Wait?”
I’m needing a ‘yes,’ a go-ahead sign.
Or even a ‘no,’ to which I’ll resign.
You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:
I’m weary of asking! I need a reply.
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, “Wait.”
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting . . . for what?”
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
And He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You’d have what you want, but you wouldn’t know Me.
You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.
You’d not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there.
You’d not know the joy of resting in Me,
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
You’d never experience the fullness of love,
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that’s beyond getting just what you ask,
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
You’d never know should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But oh, the loss if I lost what I’m doing in you.
So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see,
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still “WAIT”.
“There are many plans in a man’s heart, nevertheless the Lord’s counsel-that will stand.” Prov. 19:21
As I contemplate all the resolutions I would love to make, the one I really hope to follow through on is trusting God and allowing the “super planner” in me to back off and allow Him to be in control. I struggle with relinquishing control, but I acknowledge that I cannot do this on my own. God has a plan for our family, to give us hope and a future. It is high time I start resting fully in the peace that passes all understanding. If you are reading this, I ask that you pray for our family this year. Do not simply pray that God will provide us with a child, but pray that we can trust in His timing and be more relaxed knowing He has it all under control.