Today I thought I would tackle a few of the emotions I have felt during these four years.  Some of them I am not proud of, but I think it is important for you to understand the whole journey.  I have by no means handled this with the grace I have seen from others who have gone through difficult circumstances, so I share with you as way to hopefully aid you in seeing that even in the depths of the pit of despair God is waiting and willing to lift us up.

Anger-  I might as well get this one out of the way first.  I haven’t experienced all that much thankfully.  My worst time with this was after my second miscarriage.  The first one, though devastating, I accepted because lots of women have miscarriages, right?  When I got pregnant a second time I was on cloud nine and on my knees would beg God daily to let me keep this one.  It was not to be and from that stemmed anger.  Prayer was the last thing I wanted to do.  Why pray to the One who again took away my dream?  I would attempt to pray but words could not even be formed.  After several months I was finally able to come back to the Lord, the only true Comforter.

The bible says:  

Psalm 37:8-9

Cease from anger, and forsake wrath;
Do not fret—it only causes harm.

For evildoers shall be cut off;
But those who wait on the Lord,
They shall inherit the earth.

Embarrassment-  This is a rather new emotion I have been experiencing.  It has really come about in the past month or so as it seems every person I know is becoming pregnant.  It seems weird to say I have experienced this when I have a blog and facebook page dedicated to my trial.  For the first time I have felt embarrassed to be the infertile one.  I have started to feel like less of woman, like I have nothing to offer.  Procreating has happened all through time and I am unable (at this point) to accomplish it.  I am also embarrassed about the many tears I have shed when I should be excited about my friends getting to live their dream of becoming mothers.  I am, don’t get me wrong.  I am just ashamed that I let each announcement bring me to a point of despair, to where I would prefer to never leave my house.

The bible says:

Psalm 73:26

26 My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Loneliness-  This piggybacks off the last one.  As all my friends are beginning families I am starting to feel left behind.  Though I would not wish my situation on my worst enemy I feel like I am the only person in the world going through it.  The only one failing to bring forth a little one…. (I know this is not true, but it feels that way at times)

The bible says:

Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Despair–  I have spent a large majority of my time here in the pit of despair.  (More than I should probably admit)  The moments on my knees with tears streaming down my face begging God to allow us to have a child have been many.  The times when all hope seems lost are numerous.  When I am at my worst I feel unable to face the world.  Nor do I want to.

The bible says:

Jeremiah 29:11

11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

There are many more emotions I experience on a daily basis.  They are not always negative in nature, but I wanted you to see my weaknesses.  God’s strength is made perfect in my weakness.  The thoughts I shared with you are not what I necessarily think are true, they are just part of the things floating around in my mind, the daily battle to trust.

Often I feel I need to be stronger in my tribulation, but I think, really, I need to allow the Lord to be my strength.  My honesty, I hope, does not cause you to judge.  My desire is for you to see the whole me, the work in progress, the woman aiming to trust fully in God’s plan for my life.  I may never understand why God has allowed this trial, but I know I can find purpose in it.  May God be glorified!