Over the course of the past few months I have really been doing well with the whole infertility thing. By that I mean I hadn’t been crying when I started each month. I didn’t cringe at every single pregnant person I saw. I was getting to the point of accepting the trial and finding hope in the Lord’s ultimate plan. The past week or so has not been like that. Waves of negativity and doubt have overshadowed my new found joy. Tears have crept up when I least expected it. So my admission is that I am failing in my quest to grow stronger. Last night I actually told God, “I give up.” The pain consumes me and sucks the life out of me. Another Mother’s Day is fast approaching. For me it is one of the most dreaded days of the year. It will be the day where churches across the country have their mothers stand so we can show our appreciation for them. They are quite deserving of that applause, but with the sound of each clap, though, it is like a dagger in my heart. Will I ever get to stand? People try their best to comfort and I know it is hard to find the words to say. Many say “it will happen.” Well, realistically it may not. Some say, “You just need to stop worrying about it and then it will happen.” You try that one. I know they are trying to instill optimism in a rather pessimistic situation, so I do not fault them for their encouragement. I, though, am very much a realist. I have no guarantees that I will ever get pregnant and have a baby. I have no promises that I will get my happy ending.
I know I will find my way again, but for today……today I will shed my tears and have my pity party.